The last thing that has been on my mind is journaling or writing anything down. Being left to put my thoughts and emotions of everything going on right now seems too hard to confront; however, I appreciate the cathartic experience of getting it out into the open and putting pen to paper. If I back this story up to one month ago, like everyone else, life looked a lot different! Baptism weekend was coming up and every time this weekend rolls around my heart feels a tug. I wanted to be baptized but thought I couldn’t be since I was baptized as a baby. I have already been regularly going to church for years now; I should have done it sooner; what would my husband think; what would other people I know from church think? These were just some of the excuses that played in my head to keep me watching from the crowd, tears flowing down my cheeks as I watched other people be baptized.
This weekend, though, was special. It was also my birthday weekend and at a Women@EHills meetup, I casually mentioned I’ve thought about being baptized. To crush my excuse, everyone that was there was 100% supportive and excited for me. Next I had to tell my husband. Again, to my surprise he was so thrilled! Ok, here we go, if my top two excuses and fears were just destroyed then the other fears would surely crumble if I just do it, right? Wrong! You see, I struggle with anxiety. Not every day is anxiety-ridden but there are some nights where I am wide awake with fears and full conviction that I am dying because these anxious thoughts are overpowering my logic and reason. I didn’t sleep that night with a mix of fear and excitement – I had to hold onto the images of past baptisms; the joy, the elation, the freedom of saying in front of everyone that you trust your life to Jesus.
As I sat in the crowd I tried to focus on the message. Nervous feelings of looking like a fool tried to crowd my mind, but I just sat there praying, pleading with God, “Please take these anxious thoughts from me! If I get baptized you have to help take this anxiety from me, please God!” Well it was finally time to go and I was greeted with happy helpful people the entire way. I changed clothes, then before I knew it my turn was finally there. As my head went under the water, I looked up towards heaven. It’s easy for me to say that I felt different, but the true feeling of being baptized didn’t come until later. Immediately after the joy subsided, I felt overwhelmed in my heart and I cried. I felt lighter. I felt ready. I felt calm. 5 Days later school was cancelled, our spring break travel plans were cancelled from right under us, fear was everywhere, panic at stores was buzzing. And me? I was calm, and my heart was beating for Jesus. I almost couldn’t believe it myself how my anxiety had been tamed, when fear of dying was literally all the news and media was shouting. I tried to make myself feel anxiety and it made me smirk, God has quite the sense of humor. I knew in my heart God saved my life that day. He knew what was coming and if I was going to support and take care of those around me, I was going to need to show what a life with Jesus looked like. He calmed my fears so that I could speak reassurance to my friends. He filled my heart with gratitude so I could pour hope into others. He knew the Holy Spirit needed to move in me so that more people could find Him as well.
It’s now been 1 month since my baptism and life changed for the world, and although anxiety still exists and grief of the life we had before this pandemic, and uncertainty of the future is out there, when I keep my eyes on Jesus and God’s promises to us I feel a strength to get through the days as they come.