January 11, 2020
It’s coming up on three years since your death. I wish I could say I only think of you with love in my heart and positive thoughts, but the truth is I am still angry at you for giving up. You should be here. I miss you, and your kids miss you. When you left, it felt like a million gut punches. So many questions have flooded my mind with no solid answers. It can feel maddening at times. I know you were in tremendous pain. I saw it then. I know you felt like you had no other choice. I get that now. I know you didn’t really want to give up, and now I know the suffering you were enduring was overwhelming you, and you felt you needed it to stop right then; but hope was right there in front of you! You loved Jesus, and now you get to see Him face to face. I want that too, but we can’t just give up on the life God has for us, and on those that we are responsible for. Life is hard, but your children need you! You were a light in this world, but now there is one less light here, and with that there is so, so much sadness. You and I were in this life together, encouraging each other, cheering each other on. We were going to get through the hard stuff together with the Holy Spirit as our guide. We were sisters in Christ, striving to be faithful to Him and obedient to His will for our lives. Losing you here on this earth, really shook me to the core. I wonder, if only you had gotten into counseling years ago, maybe you’d still be here. If you had just told me exactly how desperate you felt in those final moments, I could have helped you get the help you needed. I replay in my mind the last text message you sent me, and wonder if I had just responded with one simple question, “What do you need?”, maybe you would still be here. I know it isn’t healthy for me to blame myself, and I know you wouldn’t blame me; but, it’s hard not to blame myself at times. I had to get rid of some of the things in my house that remind me of you. It’s just too painful to keep looking at them day after day. I need to move forward, and I am. There is so much I want to share with you. You have missed so much here. I still feel that you should be here, but you are gone. I don’t want to be angry with you. I think there was more going on in your mind then than what I knew. Did you think you were not good enough or that we’d all be better off without you? If you did, I am sorry I didn’t help you see truth. The truth is you mattered to me, to your kids, and to so many down here. You were an amazing mother, sister, daughter, and dear friend. My heart still hurts over this, but thankfully I know I will see you again. Still, I miss you so much.
Thinking of you always.