Last summer (2018), after almost 6 years together including 2 1/2 years of marriage, my relationship fell a part and we moved towards divorce. My identity was tied to this union. Once we separated, I realized how unhappy I was and started the process to a new chapter. Overall the future scared me. The fear of the unknown and of finding out who I am, because I didn't know anymore. I was angry at God- Why was this happening? What was the point of this? As Pastor Phil said recently in service, "Hope is tied to a rope." In retrospect, I had tied my hope to my relationship. When it was gone, I was really lost and afraid. I have had the fear of abandonment since I was young, and I was experiencing those emotions on a different level.
I grew up in church, fell out of it in college, attended occasionally after, and throughout the past few years I tried to remain consistent. When this life change hit, I leaned on my family and friends but I knew I always felt better being at church and listening to the worship music. It brought me peace. I started attending Eastern Hills regularly with family and friends, and became more involved with some of the groups (Welcome team and DivorceCare, plus I recently joined Hospitality Team and a Women's Bible Study for the New Year!) It helped during a period of change, to be reminded that God's love is constant.
While waiting for the divorce to be finalized I had to learn how to let go of control, and the things I was afraid of, so I could push forward. I started seeing God show up in ways through the process and that brought me comfort. I realized He has a bigger plan for me. While I was waiting for things to be taken care of, I was growing through it and learning about myself. I learned how to trust God with the things that I can't control. In the waiting, I found my faith. I found my confidence. I found out who I am. I was reminded He will never leave me.
Throughout this last year, there were days filled with negative mental chatter, anxiety and fear. I became so overwhelmed and exhausted with fear. At a certain point, I had to release the grip around my situation and trust that God had my back. It wasn't easy, but I think that's the point. That's where He shows up. He loves me too much to leave me stewing in the emotions. Jesus makes life better because with Him I have peace. I'm learning to trust again because He is in control, and whatever comes my way, He will get me through.
With rededicating my life to Jesus through Baptism weekend, I am incredibly grateful that He guides me through the challenges and has allowed me to bloom into the person I am meant to be.